Progress, not perfection

Somewhere over the last several years I lost myself – probably more like went into hiding – trying to escape the incessant nagging of my brain that was always pushing me to grow, pushing me to share, pushing me to be the person I am without the self-doubt that is constantly knocking at my door – stalking me, pressing against any entry point in my walls.  I just needed a break. I needed to be ok with being mediocre. I needed to stop having to be something other than broken. I thought I should cut myself some slack.

So I did.

I hid. I stopped writing. I stopped creating. I stopped hosting. I stopped being what I thought I was supposed to be, and I just let it go.  I served dinner on paper plates, with paper napkins, and even sometimes used boxed cake mixes instead of making things from scratch. This was what I knew I needed to do, and what everyone said was ok to do. I left dishes in the sink overnight, left laundry in the washer so many days that it never quite recovered,  and I didn’t sweep my floors every night. I didn’t plant a veggie garden one year, and then the next year, after planting with the kids, I let it die.  I cooked, but didn’t write down the recipe or photograph it or even remember to put it into the fridge before going to bed. I just did what I needed to do to get through.

I finally……….let. shit. go.

So now….now I’m here. I’m through the insanity of a very ugly divorce; I’m through the grief caused by the uprooting and loss of the place I loved and had made my home. I’m through the tumult and questioning of parenting plans and the scrutiny that that brought to my every day life with my children, and the self-doubt that also came along in each moment of dealing with parenting challenges. I’m through the loss of friends, and through the establishing of a new support system.

So now I should be good. Now I should be happy. Now I should be enjoying the new life that I have, and be proud with how strong and courageous I am. I have loyal friends, a man who loves me deeply and honestly, and I’m financially stable for the moment. So….now I’m supposed to be ok, right?

But wait. I don’t think that’s where I am. I thought it would be different.

Why am I so…..so….so lost????  Why is it that when I sit at home alone while my kids spend time at their daddy’s do tears creep up into the corners of my eyes, pressing against my will? Why when I sit in this insanely beautiful home with luxury and comfort all around me, do I feel like I have failed. Why do I feel like I’m not actually here? Why do I still feel trapped? Why do I feel not-enough? Why did I lose my hold on ME?

THIS has been my struggle. My lawyer told me to blog, but not to get so personal. Not to share such intimate details of what makes me…me. He said, “You’ve got to get back to blogging and writing…but maybe don’t write about things that are so personal. Keep it to your entertaining stories and funny anecdotes.” So I’ve tried that, and how many blog posts have y’all seen? Uhhhhhhh, nothing but a few random recipes here and there, and certainly nothing that brings you back…so sorry, Shawn, I just am gonna do what I want to do……

Because that’s what I do best. I do raw, I do real, I do transparent.

Years ago I wrote a blog post over on deerparkfarms.com about my experience revisiting the physical location of the majority of my childhood traumas…I wrote about my experience in a very open – and while often confusing – honest way. I wrote about facing my fears head on. I wrote about my wounds. It was the single most healing thing I’ve ever written. It wasn’t eloquent. It wasn’t ever going to win any award, but it was healing. I got it out to the world, and as it turns out, it has touched numerous people – and not just fellow survivors, but complete strangers as well. So that’s what I am getting back to.

Mom used to always say, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater…” I get her point, but I think that maybe that’s what I needed to do. I didn’t know how NOT to. I didn’t know how to reset without a total blank slate. I didn’t know how to sort through the good and the bad – the outside pressure from my own authenticity. I didn’t know how  get through my soul being completely tilled and plowed and upturned. I couldn’t differentiate between what I was doing because I was SUPPOSED to be doing and what I did because I WANTED to do.

And maybe that’s what this post is all about: my realizing that now I know what is me. I know what is important to me because it IS me…………….

“Do whatever it is you can with whatever it is you have.”

Many of you know that this has been my tagline for years now, and I’m proud to say that’s what I’m doing. I had nothing, and I let things go. I didn’t feel like I had anything, and so that’s what I did. I sat in what I had – no strength…no pride…no hope…until I found a faint little shred of  half strength. I took that up, and said, “Ok…I see a tiny little piece that maybe one day in the very far and distant future I can be me again…” I’m picking it up now. I’m holding it and saying, “What can I do with this?” What I can do with this tiny, itty bitty fragment of hope is show it to you…and say, “Hey, look! I might have hope that I can be something – someone – again.”

So here’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to work on reclaiming ME.  It’s time. Time to be me. Time to write, time to create, time to speak up, time to be honest, time to establish myself without parameters. Time to forgive me.

Time to live ME.

The last several years I had something to fight – something to conquer. Now it’s time for me to live in freedom……and I have NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO DO THAT and that’s scary beyond words….but I am going to try to do that through sharing and writing and being open. Because that’s what works for me. If I happen to reach someone in the process, then my heart with be satisfied.

Look, I’m not good. I’m ok..

And I”m ok with Ok because  I will take “whatever it is I have and do whatever it is that I can.”

So that’s that. I’m determined to figure this shit out, and I hope you guys will join the journey and contribute what you can. Each little comment and PM and email means the world.

Here’s to growth. Cheers.